How I Neutralized My Anger At Being Helpless

I had the most interesting exercise with myself using the SKY framework.

My issue of feeling angry with my helplessness at having to concede to repeated chemo for metastasis for as long as my body could take it might have been a complicated issue to tackle if I had let it be without resolving it.

The SKY introspection techniques helped me choose a suitable template for introspection. For example, if I am dealing with anger, I need not waste time wondering how I may deal with it but use the Neutralisation of Anger template. Similarly, if I worried, all I had to do was use the Eradication of Worries, Jealousy, Greed template. Similarly, when plagued by thoughts, desires and a feeling of being lost!

I marvel at the ease of narrowing down on resolving a problem using these techniques! Moreover, I marvel at staying independent while doing so.

And so I went about using the Neutralisation of Anger template. I have, to date, enabled hundreds of skilled entrepreneurs and others to use these techniques, including on a furious young man who loved to get into physical tantrums once incited! He became a calmer person soon after! I have never needed to use this template till now though I have used the other templates to a large extent. I approached it with curiosity.

The template had the following questions that I needed to answer:

1. Who are you angry with, and for what reasons?
2. When does this anger well up?
3. What is your and the other person’s contribution towards causing this anger?
4. Has anger not created a negative impact in controlling the cause for anger in the past? List how.
5. What is the underlying expectation on your part, which, when stumped, makes you angry? Can it be fulfilled without anger in any other way? If not, could you drop the expectation?

Whoa! It was a toughie, as I was angry with myself!

Angry with my helplessness at the torture due to cancer and the meds. The fateful subjecting to cancer itself was not my primary issue. My issue was not feeling skilled enough to overcome it long enough to complete certain tasks I had in my mind.

So, I looked deep within myself. I could see two parts of myself. One part supplied solutions, and the other felt afraid when not having the skills to face situations. To discover this took quite some time. Having isolated the two, I now proceeded to use the template.

1. Who are you angry with, and for what reasons?

I am angry with my helplessness at facing repeated chemos and probably getting my body to a point where it can no longer take it, leaving me incapable of fulfilling my dreams.

2. When does this anger well up?

Anger springs up when I don’t have solutions to face my problems, forming a roadblock to fulfilling my expectations.

3. What is your and the other person’s contribution towards causing this anger?

One hundred per cent is mine, as I am responsible for finding solutions. If I had answers, my other self would not feel helpless!

4. Has anger not created a negative impact in controlling the cause for anger in the past? List how.

I have not felt so helpless before. But this time, I can see that if I permitted this helplessness and my anger at it grow, I might end up affecting my chances of staying healthy. It hurts my liver, which is already struggling to function. I get bile in my mouth when I feel angry. I feel like shouting and crying, which can deplete my energy.

5. What is the underlying expectation on your part, which, when stumped, makes you angry? Can it be fulfilled without anger in any other way? If not, could you drop the expectation?

The underlying expectation is to be able to die after a few more years after watching the Fractals get well-established and watching my grandchildren grow older. But, I also expect to want to die peacefully on my terms.

The expectations need a slight modification.

Instead of saying that I shall watch the Fractals and grandchildren settle, I shall enable them to settle well in the future through my actions.

List of actions towards this:

1. Write, do podcasts and leave enough materials around for some young and energetic souls with consciousness to solve environmental and social issues, to take it up and run.
2. Leave as many little snippets, stories, conversations, and letters behind for the grandchildren to have me in their minds and be enabled to be strong as they can using my life’s experiences and words as support to be the best they can be; as my great grandfather, Sri Padmanabha Iyengar, a great freedom fighter has been to me. I have never seen or lived with him. But I have no identity without him.
3. Remember Who I Am. I am a continuum. I exist forever. I shall not get attached to this grouping of atoms. These atoms in this body and mind are free to ungroup and regroup at their will any time, anyhow. I have a duty to conserve and preserve these atoms together as long as necessary. But my duty should not make me feel possessive or attached to the point of feeling helpless at their ungrouping. The game needs to be played well without a care about the end.

I have to remember now my resolutions holding the hand of my Guru and feeling surrounded by the ever-present Universal Energy, and proceed with my next steps.

My anger has been neutralised.

Be blessed.